So this post is kinda a bummer post....if you don't want to read please move on...if you do, you have been warned lol...
When I was around 7 or 8 my dad came up to Utah to visit his parents. He spent about a week here I think talking to them and doing stuff with them and all that stuff. He originally only planned on a weekend but for some special reason he told us that he was gonna be here longer. He came home one night and asked me to come downstairs from my room cause he had something that he wanted to tell us. He said that the main reason he stayed down there was cause he was looking for a job and a place to build a house. Basically in a nutshell he told us that he was moving our family from California to Utah. I remember going back up to my room trying to figure all this out. What about my friends? School? The Beach? Disneyland? Not only was he going to be moving us up to Utah, but he was thinking about doing it in I believe it was 2 weeks. He had already let his boss at the police station know and had already put our place up for sale. It sold in only a few days and within that 2 week period we were packing things up and getting ready to drive up to Utah.
Leaving my home down in Cali was probably one of the hardest things that I have ever done. I remember just spending the whole drive down here crying with my mom(she never has liked it here) almost the whole drive to Utah. It was so foreign to me when we got here. There was no beach, no Disneyland, no Seaworld, I had left my best friend and wasn't really sure what this place was like. I made some friends and a few of those have lasted a really long time and 19 years later we are still pretty close.
I write this today though for a few reasons..number one is that I really never have felt like I fit in here, or belong here. Yes I have made plenty of friends, but a lot of them have been through other people and usually don't stick around more then we see each other a couple times a year. I have been picked on since the first moment I moved to Utah. Something that was totally new to me and to be honest if I stayed in Cali and grew older can't guarantee would of not happened if I had stayed down there. All I know is a lot of it stemmed from the fact that my family was one of the first few to move to the area we lived in from Cali. The teasing and such really never faded away and still lingers some today. It's a hard thing to bear sometimes. I've learned to do my best to just brush it off and have gotten pretty good through that, but at times I just wish it would stop. Acting has helped me a lot put on a good face when I'm feeling down but at times I wish I could call out for help from those few friends that I have that understand.
I've never really felt like I belong here though. I have found that keeping to myself more than actually being with people here is what makes me comfortable, but it's not something I want. I would love to be the guy friends call when there is a party going on, or they need a guy to go out with their girl friends friend, instead of spending a lot of Friday and Saturday nights either going out by myself or just staying home. I would love to get married and just devote my time and love to my wife but I seem to be doing a pretty horrible job in that area as well.......It's not that I haven't tried, but after some of the things that have come to pass with the girls I dated, it almost just doesn't feel worth it anymore. I've got a lot to offer and I wish someone here would just see past the faults that seem so ever visible about me and give me a shot. I tend to relate better to girls that aren't from here, and understand the weirdness that this state can bring to outsiders at times. Yes I have lived here for longer then I did in Cali, but I feel like those 8 short years there I felt more loved and welcomed then I have in my almost two decades here. People there are so much more willing to accept who you are rather then change you. It's a lot easier to date there and at times a lot less stressful.
I guess this post comes from a funk mood I have been in for the last year or so. I have wanted to write about this so many times but haven't quite found the words to say. I dated a girl back around 2010 that was someone I thought was incredible. I was just never enough. She ended it after about 9 months, talk of marriage and all that. Found out later she had been lying to me and everyone around her for the last 4 months or so of our relationship. It really hit home for a long time and it still really hasn't gone away completely.
I met someone in a show I was in back in April of last year. We shall call her Mel for short. She was a pretty incredible person from the get go. She was young only 19, but she new exactly where she wanted to go in life and was going for it the best she could. She definitely made me super happy and I loved being with her. She almost made me forget about the other horrible person in my life and what she had done. The funk would show up every now and then but seeing Mel it made it quickly go away. Yes she had things about her I didn't like, but started to have grow on me and learned to love. Which I'm pretty sure that's how it is supposed to go. Time went on and the feeling of being not enough for a person and that fear of her leaving me( even though I know she wouldn't) crept back into my head, and eventually led to her breaking up with me. We started talking again a little ago and it has been really hard ever since then. A bunch of those feelings for her came back and after I told her this I found out she had started to like someone else. Well that totally shoots me down. Ya see in Utah girls and guys here have this thing were they like to date about 3 billion different people at the same time, until one guy proves his point and gets the girl, and the other way around. I myself don't do well with this, and I really don't see how anyone else can. Sitting at home one night while the girl of your dreams is out with another guy wondering how the date is going whether she is gonna pick you or move on to someone else, is not my idea of fun dating.
So I sat in my desk at work realizing I had messed up another chance with someone I could really see a future with. She is incredible in every way. I realized that day that I was falling in love with her and once again had to fall back out of love while she pursued this other guy that she liked, knowing in my heart that I most likely won't get another chance with her, and to be honest I probably don't deserve one. I guess I felt that if I told her about the funk I was in at the moment that I was scared she would probably get scared and run off. Something that she probably would of never done. Instead of telling her like I should of, I held it in and pushed her away even more. To the point now that she treats me like someone that she just met or never really knew in the first place. It pretty much sucks. I guess we live and let learn but I would really like to stop learning and get to experience all the joy and happiness of having that special someone in your life and knowing that you belong somewhere instead of being in this lost state that I feel like I can't really get out of. I wish the best of luck to her and all her endeavors and hope that she finds that guy that treats her like the princess that she is, instead of the way I tried so hard to avoid but got pulled into. I'm way sorry for that btw.
I've decided to give up on dating for a while. Yes I'm 27 and need to get on the bandwagon, but I feel like I need to learn how to not screw things up. Which is something I do a lot of now. I really hate being alone, but I would rather be alone then alone feeling crushed for another missed opportunity.
