So I have been kinda quiet the last little while. Mainly because trying to word the thoughts that I have in my head in such a way as to not offend certain people. To be honest though I don't really care anymore. I can't keep holding thoughts in over things and that is one thing I've always tried to work on.
I know what I'm about to say in this post is going to stir the water and make a few people mad...but right now I just don't care....You were not there, you did not experience what was going on and you don't really know me...Be mad if you want but your being mad because I have the guts to say what I'm feeling. To the "friends" of my ex that I know are gonna read this, be mad at me for all I care, I know you are going to run to her and tell her how much of a horrible person that I am for saying all these "lies" and that you are so glad she got rid of me. I know she's your friend and I know that's what friends do, but really take a look at your friend and if you realize she has done something wrong with this o with anything else have the guts to stand up and tell her, and since most of you don't know me not that its your fault, don't treat me like I'm horrible, like I said you were not there, I was. I speak my mind and I tell it like it is...yea I wasn't perfect, but I tried to do my best to treat your friend with the respect and care she deserved. Maybe if any of you would actually take the time to get to know me you would understand that.
Now the majority of my last few post have been about a certain person in my life. A certain someone that I love with all my heart and still really care about..and miss a lot...Now she doesn't believe when I say that at all but that is just her loss, and while I am super pissed off at recent things I have found out about her that were going on while we were together deep down somewhere I still really care for her. I can't trust her at all anymore or I should say for at least a really long time....A good friend of hers a couple days ago got online and started talking to me, something non of her friends ever did..so needless to say I was a little surprised...She asked me to stop saying that she was a cheater and that she never cheated on me while we were dating....That brought up a few thoughts about what cheating really is to me...There is obviously the cheating where you date other people at the time you are in love and together with someone else, and there is the cheating of someones time and feelings...I believe she did so much of the latter..I also found out that the majority of the 9 months we were together that almost everything that came out of her mouth was a complete and total lie. That ladies and gentlemen of the jury is something I will never stand for and it really pisses me off and sad to say made this friend of hers I found it out from also really mad and sad....You see my ex basically wanted to and created a web of lies to do so, but live two very separate lives, the one that we had together, and the life that included every one else...friends, family, school, everything else....She wanted to keep me out of everything else she did...trying to see how her day went was like trying to catch and pull teeth from a hippo...I had always wanted to meet her friends and spend time with them, mainly because that was a huge thing to her. Also if you don't cut it with the friends you are pretty much doomed. This is were all the lying started....Every time I would try and get together with the friends my ex would always say oh well they don't like you o they are busy tonight o they would never wanna do that, and so many other things...which kinda always made me mad because they never really knew me..I met them all maybe twice in our time together and it was for maybe 5 minutes each time...So I didn't understand why that was such a problem...But it also made me not like them...but after talking to this friend a few days ago that wasn't the case at all...they actually really liked me and always wanted to meet me but my ex always came up with some stupid excuse one of which was I didn't like them...but she got so caught up in her lies that they just kept getting worse and worse and worse...So my ex and I didn't work out and broke up over a huge web of lies..Which really ticks me off...because we were really good together, but she started believing all this BS that she had created between me, her family and friends that she just thought we weren't good together and that's that..It also made this friend really sad because of the fact that most of our arguments that my ex and me had were over pointless lies...they had a few talks about this but I guess nothing stuck with my ex because she continued to lie through her teeth...So in the end we broke up over a web of lies created so my selfish ex could live a life without me..and one with me...That got me thinking a lot the other day(which can be very dangerous lol) Why would a person want to lead a double life? Why would you want to lie to everyone and tell them that the other person doesn't like you? Now I'm not trying to say I was Mr. Perfect because I did my own share of things that were not right in our relationship, but I always tried to fix them and talk things over rather than bottle it up till it was too late...I always wanted to try and get to know these other girl friends of hers so I could give them a reason to not like me if they still didn't after it all. Come to find out this one girl who I thought hated me the most did the same thing, but my ex would always lie and make up some story as to why I never wanted to come along. Which really bugs me, cause she knew that I always wanted to get to know them better...I got in trouble because I started talking to one of them on Facebook once and she thought it was weird that her friends boyfriend would talk to her...now why the hell would that be weird? honestly I still have never figured that one out...all I wanted to do was to get to know her better and since my ex wasn't doing anything to accomplish that I figured I would do it myself...which apparently is against everything good and holy and condemned as a sin in my ex's eyes..I was deemed controlling because I asked her how her day was...Heaven forbid I ever ask the person I'm dating how her day went...now there is much more I could say but I don't feel like I need to...Now to all the so called friends of my ex that have all the sudden taken a huge interest in my blogs because my ex says that she doesn't anymore but all her friends do now....grow up...find something better to do with your time then read what I have to say about a relationship that you were all lied to about and have no idea what really happened...I think its way funny that you have to read this and then run back like little kids to tell my ex what mean things I wrote about that are all not true...which I'm sorry I just don't believe......and to my ex....thank you so much for the great times that we did have, no matter how few they were....I really enjoyed making dinner together and and the shows and games we went to, I enjoyed our drives and our fun little inside jokes and how every time I looked into your eyes it was like the very first time...your big beautiful blue eyes are always gonna be in my mind...but more so thank you for completely wasting 8 almost 9 months of my life....thank you for not having the courage and be selfish to hide me from every other aspect of your life so you could lead your double life...thank you for all the lies and BS that you created and started that made me constantly feel like I was never good enough for everything in your life and led me to believe that everyone you really cared about hated me...I know at times you liked me and I know you had your moments when you loved me, but those are so overshadowed by all the lies that were told and the betrayals that I feel right now....and thank you for breaking up with me over texting then having the guts to come talk to me face to face....I really do think you are a wonderful person in some aspects.....I do love you very much and wish you the best...but I also think that right now in your life you are also very shallow and selfish, and hopefully for your sake you realize that and change, because if you don't you are going to get a rude awakening one day, and I would never wish that on anyone....You deserve to be happy and you deserve the best, but I don't see that happening if you keep up what you did for the last 8 months.
I so often wonder why people do things like this instead of just being real and trying to get to know a person before you jump to conclusions...I know that by future people mainly future girls in my life that read this if anyone ever does, that they are gonna instantly run away because I'm so judgmental, o I'm so mean to this person and how dare I tell the world. Well this is my journal, I don't like writing so I have this, that's why its hidden so not many people know about it...I don't name names and even though I said all this, I still really care for the person, and I truly wish things would have been different, because when it was great it was amazing. Please also realize that you were never there, you didn't see what happened o what went on in the relationship. I've said plenty of times through this that I really do care and love this person, but it's like when we were kids and you did something stupid and all the sudden you are being talked to from everyone in your life on how much they care and love you, but are disappointed because you did something stupid. That really is all that I am. The anger has mostly gone away, but the disappointment of the realization that I put my whole heart into this, that I did everything I could to show this person how much I loved and cared for and wanted to be there for, took it right back and slapped me in the face with it..That is what hurts the most...it's something that no one deserves to go through, but sadly people go through it all the time, and to be honest there was a time in my life when I did it to a few people as well...and It did one day slap me back..I wish I could take those moments back and make things right...and one day I hope this person finds the guy that she doesn't have to lie to everyone about...I learned a lot after all this has gone down and this year and until I find her, I'm gonna do everything I can to not repeat the same mistakes I have in the past, because I have so much to offer someone, I have so much to give, I just hope there is someone out there willing to take the time to go through all the screw ups I will make and all the heartaches to get to the end goal with me, because in the end, I really do think I am worth it...If you don't please just move along...
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