Conference Weekend

Conference weekend is always a fun weekend. You get together with family o friends and just enjoy Saturday and Sunday and listen and learn to the apostles and prophets speak from the heart about matters they feel important enough to share 2 times a year with the whole world. This year was a little different for me. Last year I was watching with Katie, and after we watched the last session we cuddled up to a movie and decided we wanted to start planning our lives together. It was a pretty awesome feeling. Well if you have read the last few posts, you all know how that went.

So this year I have to be honest. I wasn't really looking forward to conference at all. I never have watched o listened to Saturday sessions, it was just something my family never did together. I only started going to priesthood session about 8 years ago, and I loved going. This year I didn't even wanna go to that. So the time came to go, I got a text from my best friend asking me if I was coming so they could save me a seat and I decided because he wanted to know, I was gonna go. So I got dressed and headed on over to where my old stake center so I could go watch. Well on the way there I got pulled over on the freeway and got a ticket, so I was kinda mad about that. Priesthood is one of my favorites because it is primarily addressed just to the guys, on a few occasions they do talk to the women of the church but it's very rare. So its always nice to have something just for us guys. Well the main focus of this session seemed to be about getting married. Oh goody. Well after the session was over was when the texts started to flow in, "Were you paying attention" "Was this session for you" "Looks like it's time to get married" I just kinda laughed at these and was like yea I guess so. Totally thought that would be the last of the "marriage" talks during conference. Dang was I wrong. Both sessions on Sunday had I think I was 2 talks each about marriage and the importance of getting married now and all of that jazz. Once again the texts came flowing in. I went over to a friends house that night, but I wasn't really there I guess. I had way too much on my mind and I was trying to distract myself, but it just wasn't working very well. Can't say I was too happy to go to work the following Monday either.

Monday came along and I was doing pretty good, no one seemed to be bugging me about anything like that. You see I'm the only single guy in the whole office. Well besides one of my friends but he is dating someone at the moment. So the day was going pretty well up until lunch time. We all got to lunch sat down and started eating. We had our normal conversations that we do at lunch, recent events, sports and so on. All was interrupted when the chief as we call him looked over at me and was like Mont, did you see conference this weekend? Yes I replied, and he replied with well, what are you gonna do about it? and it started. The rest of lunch was all about helping me find and marry my wife, thoughts about why I'm not married yet and whats wrong with me in general. The same usual things I get at lunch. I'm pretty sure they all except for my best bud think I'm over Katie and have totally moved on. I remember going home that night and just crashing on my bed. I still have the first picture that Katie and I took together and I hadn't been able to find it to get rid of it, but for some reason there it was in plain sight. I picked it up and just looked at it for a while, we took it up on a mountain over looking the valley after about a week of not seeing each other. It was a really happy moment, one I thought should be kept, so I framed it. Whether she still has hers o not I don't know, but for some reason I still have mine. I could feel the tears starting to run down my check so I had to toss it away. I don't know where it went, in my room somewhere, and I kinda just turned out the lights and cuddled into a ball. I couldn't sleep that night and for some reason I just stared at my phone o the ceiling, hoping to get something from her, but of course nothing came.

It's not like I haven't tried to get married. To find that one person that will go to the ends of eternity with me and then some. I know more o less what I want and I go for it. I've been done with just "dating for fun" for a long time now. To be honest she was the closet person to that eternal perspective that I ever have had. I remember the first time we talked about it together, we both got scared she left and I didn't hear from her for 3 weeks, she popped up one day at my house and we decided to hold that off for now but keep it in mind. The first time I knew that without a doubt in my mind I was in love with her was on my birthday last year. She planned the entire thing and I had almost no idea what we were gonna be doing that day. We spent from 9 in the morning till about 11 that night together. I went over to her house and picked her up and we headed up to Salt lake to go to the Planetarium and the Zoo. Which both were pretty amazing. Then we headed back grabbed some dinner at Tucanos, were supper tired went back to my place and took a nap, then we thought about going to see a movie, but she was way too tired to stay awake anymore, so I took her home, gave her a hug thanked her for an incredible birthday and kissed her goodnight. It was at that moment that a shock wave went through my body, and I knew then that I loved her with all my heart. Little did I know that she felt the same way I did. I had always thought that I was in love with a couple other of the girls I dated, but it wasn't till that moment that I felt what true love is. Maybe that's why this time around it's been so heartbreaking and heard to deal with. Why almost 5 months after she left little things still remind me of her, almost every girl I meet is named Katie and it's kinda driving me crazy.

Back to conference, they had some wonderful messages that were given that really did strike a chord on me this year. Mainly Pres. Monsons talk at the end of the Priesthood session. He talked directly at the guys my age about it being the time to find her take her to the temple and be sealed for all time. I want so bad to meet that man, fall apart in his arms and ask him how do I do that, because I apparently have no clue what I'm doing. I've tried so many things, and all I end up with is you are a great guy and she's out there. Not to be rude, but I'm getting really tired of hearing all that crap. I've spent the last week o so since conference thinking about things and mainly thinking about what I'm doing wrong. I know that I have things to work on, and I'm doing my best to do that. I just wish I didn't have to do it alone. This last week has been pretty good for me thinking wise though. It has made me see how hard Satan is working on me in some areas.....mainly this one...and to be honest I have let him win a few rounds. I have let myself slip away in the dating world a do a few things I know I never should have. Those things have been fixed now and are over with but it feels like he is trying again. I wish I could know why dating for me has to be so hard, what I'm doing wrong, what I could do better o what roads I need to be on to meet that person that is doomed to spending the rest of eternity with me....lol I wish I knew why this time in my life this break up is kicking my butt as hard as it is. It's been close to 5 months since she walked out of my life and it feels everyday like it was just yesterday that I was holding her in my arms telling her I love her. Last night was one of those nights that I wish I could just crawl into a cave and scream away. I don't know what got to me but man it was bad. I went home after FHE and pulled out a chair and sat in front of my fish tank. Something about that tank calms me down all the time. That and my geckos, I love holding them and seeing them in their own little world in my room. I felt a little better that night, but woke up this morning with that feeling of emptiness, wanting so much more. I apologize to my friends who are worried for me, and have tried talking to me, I'm just not really in the mood right now. I don't know why I just prefer to be alone at the moment. I just feel so lost and alone right now and I don't quite know how to fix it. I wish she would show up soon though. I have so much to give.