Festival of Colors!

This weekend was pretty fun, Friday I can't remember what we did, but I'm sure it was a lot of fun. Oh wait I remember we watched 300 and ate lots of food. Saturday I didn't get to sleep in because I had an audition that morning down in Spanish Fork, and I had to be there around 9. So I woke up the latest possible that I could which was like 830 lol and headed down there. To be honest I had no idea what to expect when I got there, I haven't been called back for a show for a while and it kinda sucked, so I was hoping that things would start to change. The show is Hairspray and while I really have no interest in the show a few really good friends auditioned the week before and wanted me to join in with them if we all made it. So I figured I might as well, since I haven't done a show since last August anyways. I walked in got stuff ready noticed that most of the people there were like still in Junior High and High School, so it was interesting. My friends showed up and the nerves were calmed down and we just started joking around. There was quite a few people that hadn't auditioned yet and we were all given a number and were told to wait. I was number 144 which basically meant that I had to wait forever. So we just goofed around and talked with people. My number was called and I walked into the room and set my ipod up so I could have the music for the song I was singing. The director and his aid looked up at me and was like how do we know you? They looked at my resume and I guess they have seen me in a few of my shows. Not sure if that is a good thing or not, We will see lol. So I sang my song, which I thought went really well and we waited to see if I got called back o not. They called everyone that they had previously called back for Corny Collins and called my name! I was stoked but also kinda freaked because that role required some pretty high singing which I can't do very well yet. We went through the call back parts of the day. I could tell Corny wasn't going to be in my future. Not cause I didn't do a good job at the callbacks, but because he just sang way too high for me. So I was just gonna be happy with whatever I got. Midway through the callbacks though I had to leave to met up with the group at my place to head on over to the Festival of Colors. None of them had ever been before and I was looking forward to taking them all. We drove down got a parking spot about a billion miles away and started walking. The walk to the Palace is almost as fun as the actually festival itself. They do chalk throws every couple of hours and there are people walking back all covered in chalk and there are those of us who haven't gone yet that are all nice and white..Well it's the goal of the people that are all colored up to attack those of us who are not with color. So you are readily hugged and handled and all sorts of things by members of your opposite sex. I quite enjoy it. Tay vowed to not get touched till he got through the gate and did very well until right up at the gate where he got nailed by a group of girls that chased him and I. We got into the palace area and tis a pretty awesome sight, thousands of people everywhere that are covered o not covered in an array of different colors. People are crowd surfing each other(usually girls) they are walking around hugging everyone O just throwing color at anyone that walks by. They have a band and a preacher at the front talking and playing music. Pretty funny to watch. There are all sorts of people at these things. One of my favorites of the day was a mom with her little 4 year old girl. She was walking around picking up chalk off the ground and throwing it at peoples legs as her mom drug her by. She stopped at us and I had an extra bag of pink chalk, so I gave it to her. After throwing some in my face she thanked me and walked off. It was awesome. Then every couple hours on the dot they do a countdown. When they get to ten they sky goes from nice and blue(o rainy, however it was for you) to a dark array of many combined colors. Also you can't really breathe at all. I love it! After that you are basically done unless you are staying for the whole day so you start the long walk back with all the new friends that you made along the journey. Also it is now your turn to tackle and hug everyone from the opposite sex of you with your chalked body. I love that part.

We got back to the car and headed home, the whole while passing people that are multi colored like we were. Tay and I decided to start dancing and sticking our heads out the window as yes I drove. Great fun it was. The car next to us pulled up close opened their window and started hanging out with us. We kept up a good game of cat and mouse the whole way up back to Provo. I guess the girl in the front seat liked my actions a lot because right before we pulled off, her car pulled up next to me and she was holding a piece of paper out the window. So I pulled as close as I could grabbed the paper. It was her phone number, super stoked there. Dropped the guys and girls off at my house and took a shower, we planned on meeting up later for a dinner movie night. One of my favorite parts of the festival is watching the water in the shower be constantly purple o black for about 30 minutes while the color just comes off your body. I had color in my hair from dying it for about 4 weeks. What a blast! Can't wait till next year comes around.

The Ocean

That place is by far one of my favorite places to be in the world. I could care less what I'm doing there as long as I'm there.

I remember the first few times I ever went there, I was a wee tot and probably around 2 o 3. My parents had taken me before and I remember hearing stories of my dad out past the waves with his little 2 year old son with other people freaking out lol...He put me on a board when I was probably 4 and it stuck with me. The second time I almost died was actually bogey boarding at Carona Del Mar, our families favorite beach..Yes there was a previous time that I almost died....the start of a fun life for Mont! Almost dying twice before I was 6 haha......I had gone out past the area that most of the waves break cause I wanted to show my dad how much I had learned that day, So I was just paddling away, not really paying attention to what was going on. Now that is a problem lol, because where I was at is where the waves are at their biggest before they start to break, I turned to catch the next wave on my bogey board and remember only how big it was and flying through the air. The wave took me and tossed me about 10ft in the air before I came crashing down and got nailed by the next and next wave. Then I don't remember anything after that but waking up on the beach with my dad and a life guard standing above me. My dad always tells the story from his point of view. " I was out watching my son get some great waves when all the sudden I see him flying through the air, at the same time thinking I should go get him" haha So even after a near pretty close death experience the beach was still a huge part of my life. Also my father throwing me into huge waves so he could teach me how to surf...lol The beach and ocean are just wonderful places to be. There is so much to do, and there is so much to catch! From fish to the little beach crabs you can catch as the tide moves out. Just follow the triangle to its point and dig in the sand a bit and you have a sand crab. Cool looking little things. I always knew that there was things under the water all around us, but it wasn't until I got scuba certified that I realized how much life was right under our noses! The first ocean dive I did was at Catalina Island off the coast of Cali. We walked out about 20ft and the water dropped down to like 65ft. The water was so clear you could see the bottom, and everything walking around it. We saw tons of fish and sharks and all sorts of awesome stuff. I was attacked by an Octopus and almost caught it, but it got away. They are slippery little buggers. When we were in Mexico we went diving the day before we went surfing and I only had to go out a few feet to see a huge world of fish. The water wasn't even that deep, just enough to cover me, and there was fish everywhere. The farther I went out the bigger they got and I'm pretty sure I scared a huge school of something that was really big. Kinda freaked me out at first. They were big fish, but it was awesome just being able to swim around the rocks and get pictures of all the fish. The next day surfing every time I got up on the board I could see tons of fish below me just swimming around. It was really cool and at the same time I was hoping that the next time I got up I wouldn't see a beasty shark swimming with me.

I just don't know, there is something about the ocean that just constantly draws me to it. The water is so amazing and so beautiful. The waves are just endless(in most areas) and I love riding them in to shore...swimming back out sucks after a while, but it's still amazing. It's so calming there and I just love the life that is everywhere there. It's so fun to be in the middle of a school of fish and watching them just swim with you and all around you. I can pretty positively say that I would rather be under the water swimming with the fish, then doing anything else in my life any day. It's so peaceful and so fun. One of my dreams is, well 2 of them is I wanna go diving with Whale Sharks. Something I'm saving up for and I really wanna be in the water with a Great White Shark. They have such awesome power and I truly believe that they can only be respected when you get to see them up close, not in the comfort of your own home. It would be so awesome to see one up close and personal. The Whale Shark would be equally as amazing. They are huge.

All in all I love the ocean, and have so many memories, from almost dying to making huge sand castles then watching the tide destroy them as night falls, then making huge bon fires. It was a huge part of my life that I wish I had back. I miss the beach and can easily say that I am a huge beach bum.

Life

That is a funny word to me right there. We always think that the life we have created came to be by our own making and our own thoughts. In a way it did, but in recent events that have happened in my life, I know am starting to realize how little truth that actually has. Yes we make our own decisions and yes we follow a path created by those but the big guy upstairs has a plan for each and every one of us no matter what path we choose. The right one or the one that leads us away for a while.

There is a quote that I love that goes as follows. "If you wanna hear the Lord laugh, tell him your plans". I really like that quote and it has been a huge part of my life in the last couple months. The reason this is all coming up is after Katie left me and the months that have followed, I have really taken a hard hit to myself, my self esteem and a lot of my abilities as a person. Not a day has gone by since she left that I haven't had a hard moment, whether it has to do with her O something else that has come along. Most of it has been with her though. She for the first time in about 3 months contacted me. I'm still not totally sure why, but it was nice and heartbreaking to get at least something from her. She seems to be doing really well. Which makes me really happy for her but at the same time kinda puts my heart in the pit of my stomach. She has found someone new in her life that holds a special place in her heart...something I never did, and I wish so badly that I could have. She has moved on and for some reason I haven't been able to do so. I still dream about her and I still wonder what life would be like with her in my life. All these questions that have popped into my brain before, have now been on my mind all the time now.

I remember when my mission in Spain was coming to a close, what my life would bring and what choices and chances I would have, and really the most exciting thing, when would I meet that special someone that I would get the chance to spend the rest of my life with. It was kinda hard focusing on the work till I spoke with my president at a meeting about how to focus and not get trunky, something I did my best to do, but it still kinda happened, and I apologize to my last companion for the last few days of my time there. I remember getting on the plain so full of joy that I was going to be soon starting a new chapter in my life, school, dating, a career were all in my future now and I was pretty stoked to get it all started. Getting off that plane was kinda sad though, because it also meant that my 2 years of bliss and serving the Lord had finally come to an end and the life that I had for 2 years that I always thought was a total dream was done. My friends that I had made were gone for the time being and one important person in my life that I had met there was also so far away. She was a wonderful woman and I was so looking forward to when she would be coming back over to the states. We had met almost 19 months before in her little branch. It was way funny. Her brother was one of my MTC teachers and showed us a picture of his family in Spain and said the day before we left maybe some of you will serve in my area, I laughed, our mission had 32 different places to serve and it didn't seem very likely. Well boy was I wrong my second area was that city and I was pretty nervous and excited to meet his family. She was the first person I met and trying to speak Spanish to her she just sat and smiled and then in a beautiful British tone she said lets practice our languages together, I'll speak English to you and you can help me and you speak Spanish to me. I felt so stupid, but I had made a new friend, one that would stick with me for a long time. We quickly became best friends and I was always looking forward to Sundays so I could spend some time with her. I guess you could say I was starting to like her, and since that was totally not allowed I had to be careful. I got transferred about 4 months later and she wasn't there to say goodbye. She and her family spent a lot of at their beach house and that's where she was when I left. I randomly stumbled on her when I was at another companionship area helping them out when we got off the train. We traded emails that night when we randomly got back on the train at the same time and we started emailing and such. She let me know that she was going to be going to Utah to finish High School and I couldn't me more happy! Mainly because we could write each other without fear of getting in trouble. You we weren't allowed to write any girl that was within our mission. We had been doing so for about 2 weeks before she let me know she was leaving and for another week after that. Not allowed, but we did it anyway...yes I know I'm horrible. So we were both pretty happy that she was leaving so we could write lol. We emailed each other every week for the next year of my mission. She would let me know about her weeks and what was going on in her life and it was just a nice addition to all my emails for the week. I would do the same, let her know how Spain was doing how the area was and what was going on with me. The emails for the first couple months were just hey this is whats going on how are you and so forth, but after about six months they got a little more personal, she would let me know her thoughts and feelings and she sent me pictures of her all the time, mine started to get more that way as well. I could tell a little basis of feelings for each other had started and we both seemed pretty happy about it. She had told me when she would be getting home and I was pretty excited but wondered how O if I would see her. At the time we were preparing for a concert that we would be putting on for the Spanish T.V. and we actually ran into each other after a rehearsal. She would be joining the choir and we would get to see each other every day. Pretty happy about that. One day when we were going to take pictures President Davis poked his head out and asked me to come and talk with him, he had found out that we liked each other and asked if that was her, I said yes and he said you know just be careful, you go home soon. I told him I would and she wouldn't let anything dumb happen. He knew that. I was pretty surprised that he didn't send me to the ends of the mission lol. We still emailed and actually saw each other a lot during the run of the rehearsals and so on, and after at charla fogeneras and other events. It kinda made me laugh cause a kid in her friends group had fallen for her a few months back and was really annoyed that she liked me. Mainly because he didn't like me at all and didn't think we would be a good couple...ok still a missionary that was the last thing we were thinking about lol. Her friends all found out and were super happy for her and it was just funny. The day before I went home we were all at temple square talking and teaching and so on. The guy that liked her kept her away from me the whole time....super annoying and I really didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her. I went to Presidents house that night to get ready to go home and so on, and I had a huge email from her, apologizing for the kid and saying she just wished she could of spent the last day I was there with me, which we both knew she couldn't but one can wish right? lol. I went home she came down a few months later and we started to date. Nothing came of it and we realized that we were trying to hard to impress each other and that being best friends was a way better idea so we stayed like that. She now has a husband and a beautiful little girl and I'm so happy for her.

Nowt that was a short version of the story and the reason I tell you that is cause I really feel like that was one of the best relationships I have really ever had. It was sincere and honest and I've really missed that. The first person I dated when I got home from my mission was a pretty incredible person. We spent 6 months figuring things out before we became a couple and we ended up dating for a little over a year and a half. Only one problem, she ended up being everything I didn't want in a wife, and here I sit a almost 27 year old whose all close friends are either married with kids O well on their way to getting married, with the closest thing to a real relationship I ever had was with a girl I never really actually dated. After my mission I let some stupid things into my life that have become some pretty strong habits that have been really hard to change o get rid of, and some have a huge grip on my life still. I have been home for almost 6 years and it kinda feels like I have been just taking steps back ever since I got off that plane. I just don't know how to change things. I've tried to design my own plan, not really realizing till Katie left me how much of a hard and stupid road that has been to take. The Lord has a plan for all of us and no matter what we do to change that it will happen, whether its the wrong path o the one that will lead us back to him.

Now this may come off as a "Oh Mont is super depressed post" but I'm actually kinda happy..yea I'm bummed that I'm still a hopeless romantic single guy, but at the same time dating Katie did a few things for me. She helped me realize a lot of things that I had been doing wrong in my life and that needed changing. A few things that may very well be keeping me from meeting that special someone in my life..She helped me to see that even though we can go through life as much as we want trying to do this journey on our own we cannot. I learned that while I was in the MTC and a really good friend of mine that I met there and I locked ourselves in a room that we had a key for, and prayed almost the whole night asking for his help to help us get through this tough time. Yea she did in the end leave me for some pretty stupid reasons and I sometimes wish I could have my memory wiped clean of any memory of her, cause it just hurts to much, I did learn a few things.

I also miss that good friend in my life that used to always be a constant companion. He was always there for me and helped me out through a lot of things. I have done some pretty dumb things in the past and he left my side.....which is probably one of the loneliest feelings I have ever felt. Yea right now in my life I feel kinda lost and not sure what to do. I live in a house with 3 other guys and we have a great time. I've got my animals my fish and geckos they are awesome and a lot of times I find myself just sitting there watching them swim o letting them crawl around and wonder what it would be like if I could just shrink myself down and jump in with them. They don't seem to have a care in the world, just what time is dinner and that's about it. I bought a new T.V. to put in my room so I could watch movies when the whole outside world kinda seems to be moving on without me and for right now it has been calming me down. I feel like I'm trying my hardest to get back in line right now, so I can be ready to met that special person, to cross paths with her, if I haven't already and start following the Lords plan for me to the best of my ability. I miss Katie a lot and I know some people wonder why. She treated me like crap and basically got what she wanted and threw me aside and didn't look back once...took a piece of my heart and never really gave me any of hers, but the times that we did have together that weren't me wondering what the heck was going on, o if I had done something wrong, were really great, one of my favorite times with her was the night we spent up in Salt Lake watching Lion King and enjoying a really romantic night of dinner and a show. She will always have a piece of my heart and but the last couple days I have felt more at piece and ready to try my hardest to move on. Meet new people and hopefully get back on the path that will lead me to my end goal. Well here goes nothing....................................

Christmas Carol

I've done a lot of shows over the last 3 years but I think this one has to be one of my favorites...I've done it 3 times with 2 different theaters and different parts each time. The first time I did the show was when I had just barely started doing shows. I was cast a support lead in the show as the role of Young Scrooge. I was pretty stoked cause I got to die and everything on stage..I also ended up playing about 7 other parts in the show cause we didn't have enough people for everything. It was a lot of costumes to be changed a lot of songs to be remembered and a lot of fun. I made some really good friends that year and just had a good time. The following year I did the show again, but it was a little bitter sweet. The theater I had been performing with for the last 2 years was going out of business and this was their last show. We were pretty lucky to be able to even put on the show, due to the fact that the owners had lost their theater and had to find a place to perform. The show went well and in the last performance that we did, a ton of people that had performed with the theater over the last 5 years that it had been around came and we took one big picture. It was great fun, but pretty sad at the same time. A part of my life was falling away. I had spend almost every day at that place for the last 2 years and had so many great memories and made so many friends. I also had no idea what I was going to do performing wise. I have never taken any acting lessons, almost never auditioned for one of the 18 shows that I did with the old theater and really didn't know where to go from there.

I ended up making a couple shows at a theater down in Orem and had a blast with those ones. I was pretty stoked that my dry spell had finally ended and I was able to do another show. It had been about 4 months of auditioning and getting rejected and my spirits were getting kinda low. So I was pretty happy about that. The only thing that worried me is the show that I looked forward to doing every year, A Christmas Carol, was only done in one theater in basically all of Utah, and that theater was the Hale Center Theater. UGH. I was so bummed. I didn't think there was ever going to be any chance whatsoever of me ever getting into a show there let alone one of that magnitude, but I figured what else do I have to lose, I might as well give it a shot. At least I could get good auditioning experience at a top notch theater and maybe get some advice. I didn't expect much at all and was just hoping that I wouldn't be laughed off the stage. The director of the show was one that I was pretty good friends with seeing that I had done 2 shows with him over the summer, so I felt a little more at ease at that point. He is a very nice 80 year old man that if you totally botched the audition would make you feel like you were the best he had ever seen. So I got signed up and worked on a song with my voice coach to better prepare me for the audition. I really appreciate Pam, she took extra time to make sure I was ready to go. She sees something in me and wants me to be great and thinks I can do great things with this voice I have. The day before the audition she sat with me for about 2 hours going over and over the song I now use as a lot of my audition songs, and I got prepared in the best way I thought I could. The audition was the next day and it was now or never, you can't not show up to an audition at this place...they will eat you alive if you do that, so you kinda have to go lol.

That whole day I remember just having my heart in my stomach. I was freaking out. Which is something I almost never do, but this was the HALE, the most prestige theater we have in Utah, or so everyone and their dogs said so. I got to the theater, said a little prayer in my heart and walked to the door. I went downstairs saw some friends and said hi to Robert, who was stage managing the show again. Talking to him lightened a bit the huge tension that I was feeling. Then I realized this is just gonna be in front of Jerry and the Music person, this should be easy. It looks like a small room anyways...Boy was I wrong. I got called up and walked into the room to 14 smiley faces...Everyone that had anything to do with the show was in that room. Including the owners of the theater......They just sat and smiled and were like we are ready for you to start. Jerry said hi and I introduced myself and sang my song. I realized that they didn't have an ipod dock for me to play my song, so I basically sang well no I did sing the song Ac Capella. Jerry smiled at me and was like nice to see you again and put my paper to the side. I walked out thinking I had a pretty good audition and I at least got my foot in the door, so when I don't make this show I can come back and they will kinda know who I am. The call I got 2 days after was a complete surprise to me. They wanted me to come back for the choir. Now for many people just being in the choir is something that would be boring and lame, not for this show. The only people that sing more then one song in this show are the choir members. They set the scene for almost every scene and they are the foundation of the show. Other people sing, but its only a few tidbits here and there...So I was pretty dang happy!

The callback day came and I went in feeling pretty confident and happy that I had at least made it past the first round. I was in the door and starting on a path at the Hale. Whether I made the show or not I had gotten farther in my first try there then most of my friends had said I would make it. There was a lot of people there for the choir. I was surprised, they probably had over 80 people there and they were looking for 16......So that puts all sorts of pressure on one ha. The callback went as follows. They asked 2 of us from each range, bass, tenor, alto and soprano. They gave us music and said ok go. They played the song and we were supposed to sing them going off of a 5 minute session of singing the songs as a whole group. Always fun..........the plus side was that the amount of basses that we had there totally was out weighed by the number of every other range, so us basses got to sing with a lot of different groups. Now the first cut came up, I had no clue that they would be doing first cuts. I figured we would just all sing and be on our way and they would let us know. They started calling the names of the people that they wanted to stay....always crazy...I heard my name come up and was just more happy! So they asked us to get in more groups and sing more songs and such, all in all callbacks went for about 4 hours....It was a crazy day. I was out to dinner with a friend a few days later when I got a call from Robert saying that they would like to cast me in the show as a choir member....I had been going crazy for the last few days, checking email making sure my phone worked and all just so I wouldn't miss anything...Auditions do that to a person lol. The first meeting of the show was the next day and I couldn't be happier to be doing the show again.

We all got together to see who made the show, what friends had made it and how many new people we would get the chance of meeting. We went down the list of people that had something to do with the show and everything they had to say to us. We were told that we would have to grow out our hair and our beards till the run of the show was over. That was a first for me, spending the Christmas season looking like a hobo hadn't been on my list of things to do but if you gotta do it for a show so be it, especially if this show is paying you.... :) Rehearsals started and things got underway. It's incredible the things that go down and the things one can learn in as little as a month and a half. We got our costumes and started the gloriously awful tech week that always and forever will drain you down to your very last fiber of being and stretch it to the limit. Running numbers over and over, having costumers grab you and add or take away things, getting note after note on where is better to stand and how to look and where to not look. All of this that we are supposed to remember for opening night and for the run of the show. Needless to say ladies and gents all the hard work and all the things you see going on in the show are pounded into us actors the week before lol.

Opening night for me was kinda surreal. I'd only been to the Hale once before when I was dating Aimee, about wow almost 3 years ago now. We went with her family and the show was awesome. I always wondered when I was doing shows at Center Street what it would be like to do a show at the Hale and 3 years later here I was standing behind the curtain ready to go show my stuff. I had a awesome partner. Her name is Lauren. She's beautiful talented and was just a great person to be around. She probably thought I was a total dork and wondered why she got stuck with a guy like me as her partner, but we had a great time in the show. Doing this show made me realize a couple things though. 1) We don't really put forth all that effort and time to make ourselves look better as actors or make ourselves stand out in the next audition for the director that may be at the show. You see the theater is pretty big yet the stage itself is square, maybe 20ft by 20ft. Its not very big and the audience comes right up to the stage on all four sides. In any other theater except for maybe the Scera Shell which is also awesome, all lights are out and you can't really see any of the audience faces. At the hale you can see everyone, everywhere..what they are doing what faces they are making, do they like the show, do they hate the show lol, and you really get to see all your hard work paying off, like I said not for you, but for everyone that came to see the show. I don't know if it was just cause of Christmas and the nature of the show, or the fact that you are so close to everyone, but you really do see every emotion. Being part of the reason that, that emotion is there was pretty cool. I remember many times when we would get done singing Coventry Carol(setting the scene for Tiny Tim's death) there would hardly be a dry eye in the theater. Women and kids would grab our hands sometimes as we walked off just to give them a little squeeze.

The show itself was insane, many funny moments and some really close calls, one of them being mine.....I almost missed a show because I forgot that 2 a day shows started a week ahead of when I thought they did. I got a call from my partner asking me if I was coming to the show, and said yea at 8 right? She text back nope....at 5.....it was almost 4:30 and I work in Alpine, pretty close to a 30 minute drive from where the theater was. So I freaked and ran down there as fast as I could, almost got pulled over and showed up to the theater about 5 minutes before we started the show. There were the rest of the 4 guys downstairs with all my costume and mic ready to help me out, because if I missed the first number I would have to sit out the whole first act, and there was no way I was gonna do that to my partner. She didn't deserve to get left behind cause I made a mistake. I somehow made it down to the theater got dressed and got my mic on and got upstairs right as Lauren was ready to pull the curtain back and go on stage. I said sorry, and she said glad you are here. We did two shows a day for the last 2 weeks with 3 shows a day the last 3 days. I think it was like 25 shows in a little over a month and a half. Pretty crazy but tons of fun and I hope I get to do it again sometime.

Second it helped me see that I really can get into a show at any theater as long as I try my best at the audition and in learning parts and so on. I was told by almost everyone I talked to that there was no way I could get in the show my first try, that it would be a great audition experience and that was it. Well out of 60 o more people I was chosen to be one of the lucky 16 that made the cast. Proving to me and everyone else that I can do it! The whole process and the show gave me the confidence I have always needed to go out for the big roles and get them. Being a part of such a treasured theater has been such a great experience and I look forward to doing another show there in the future.

Now I have no idea why I've posted this but it has been on my mind and I figured I might as well...Not many people will understand this post unless you do theater but oh well. This show kinda changed my outlook on shows from there on out, and I'm thankful it did.

AHHHHHHHHHH

So it has been a while since I have blogged........mainly because only one thing has been on my mind for a really long time, and sorry to those of you who read this if anyone really does, but here comes another one of those depressing blogs.....really because nothing right now is bringing me out of whatever slump of crap that I fell into......

I thought I was finally getting over the whole Katie thing, I thought I was finally in a place where I could step out into the dating world again and once more start the stupid process and games that everyone here plays....Well Saturday proved me once again that I was completely wrong...Don't get me wrong it really was a fun day, but in the end I went to bed feeling more alone then I ever had before....

The plan for the day, well there wasn't much of a plan, just ideas that needed to be thought out and timed...I woke up about ten minutes before I got a call from my buddy Kirk letting me know what time we were going to be heading up to his brothers rugby game to watch them play. So I showered got ready and headed over to his house. Upon getting there we realized that we would be paying to get into the game due to BYU playing UTAH right after the United game..So we decided rather then just spend the money to only watch about half of the game, that we would just go to the Lone Peak State championship game. We showed up a few minutes late but found Tay, karly, and Jenessa and watched the game. The game actually went really well and we won! It was a way fun game to watch and was really close until LP pulled away and tore down American Fork. I love rival games. I remember back in High School when I was playing football, that when we played AF we had to be escorted on the field by police because of the rivalry. Which I always thought was funny cause we were pretty good friends with the players from AF. Anyways, after the game we headed over to Subway for some lunch and then headed over to Utah State to drop off Jenessa for her practice before the concert that night. Kirk and I went home and called Ronnie so we could figure out a time to head back up to Salt Lake for the night. We were going up to see Cami and Jenessas dance concert, then take them to dinner. Were dinner was gonna be we had no idea lol.

So we headed up to Salt Lake got to the concert, sat down and started to watch. The girls are in Modern Dance. It's a style of dance that I have never understood and always not liked and my thoughts and ideals didn't change that night either lol...Ones of the dances actually kinda scared me it was so weird.....But props to the girls for doing something that they love to do..The last dance while it was weird was actually pretty cool. I enjoyed it a little. We took off and were driving around trying to figure out a place to eat, because rather then have that already planned out, like who does that anyway...lol jk we went by the seat of our pants! I mentioned a few places cause when I was dating Katie we went up to Salt Lake quite often together. We ended up deciding to go to Benihanas. That place is one of my favorites, but for some reason when we stepped through the door so many memories rushed back into my brain and my heart just sank.....We were taken right to our seats and started dinner. The night just seemed to get worse for me from there on. We were put in the same table/grill that me and Katie had our anniversary dinner at when I took her to see the Lion King at the capital theater. We were right across from the table we had our last date at before she left me, and we got the same Hibachi chief that we had for that date as well. He is a hilarious guy and I loved having him, but the night was exactly like the date that I had with Katie, that I thought was a wonderful night, while all the while she was planning on leaving me soon.

We sat with another couple that was celebrating their 5th anniversary of being a couple and they were a blast, but as the night went on and I sat around watching all the happy couples, o dates at our table I just got really down and out. I tried to do my best to seem happy and all, but I wasn't fooling anyone. Cami asked me if I was ok, and I tried to put on a smile and say "yea I'm doing great" when really I just wanted to run out the door and not look back. Dinner showed up and Jenessa asked me the same thing. I gave her the same answer. After a little while later I could see Kirk and Cami looking over at me talking saying I looked sad, so once again I tried to put on a happy face. I ate my dinner but spent the rest of the night at dinner just calm and quiet....I didn't really feel up to anything and they could tell...And that is when I kinda almost lost it. I excused myself to the bathroom and just sat there looking in the mirror holding onto the sink, trying to hold back tears that I knew wanted to come out...I looked at myself in the mirror and just tried to figure out why someone who treated me so poorly during our relationship had such a huge hold on me still almost 3 months after she left me...I gained my composer went back outside and tried to put on my happy face, but that night it just wasn't gonna happen. We ended the night with a drive around the town(something Katie and I always did) and then went home....I read my scriptures, laid down and yes I cried myself to sleep. Yea I'm a big baby so what? The last couple days since then have just been hard on me...I don't know why, but I just feel like everyone is moving ahead with their lives and just leaving me in the dust and I don't really know how to catch up at this point..I'm trying to figure it all out but its been hard.

I've been trying to figure out why after 3 months do I still hurt so much over someone that treated me so badly? Someone who literally 2 days after she left me was in the arms of another guy? Someone who obviously by her actions didn't give a crap about me o the last 9 months...they were just a fun ride for her and she didn't care what she did or who she hurt along the way....Why do I still miss her when I can almost guarantee that she doesn't miss me at all? I wonder why I think about her almost every day, and why I do when I'm sure I don't ever pass through her mind, and there I answer my own question...It hurts so much because of the fact that I know that within about 2 days she completely shut me and the last 9 months out of her mind, her life, and anything else that had to do with me. She moved on to the next best thing, because she never did care at all....I think that is why it has stuck with me for so long..the fact that I put my heart and soul into this thing with her and she just cruised on through..I know her friends if they still read my blog are gonna be angry and totally disagree, but like I've said before you guys were never there..mainly because you didn't do anything to change the lies that were coming out of her mouth. You just went along with it. You sat back and watched when you full well knew what she was doing and just let it happen. So go ahead be angry, go run to her and tell her how horrible of a person I was and how bad I still am. I don't really care. You never took the time to get to know me or both sides of the story.

To everyone else that may read this now o in the future if anyone ever still does lol. I'm not some hugely depressed person expressing my doubts on dating and life...I have just been handed a deck of cards that I need to still learn from, and to do so I need to go through some hardships to get there. For some reason so many people out there think that oh because he is writing about how hard he has had it I can't ever be his friend o go out with him. He is so full of drama...well I do, do drama so thanks I'll take that as a compliment lol maybe taking some time to get to know me will be better then looking at the cover and assuming you know everything about me. Because really I have so much to offer. Just no one has ever taken the time to peel off the layers that are there just waiting to be plucked. So here we go, back into a world full of heartbreak and games that just get more and more annoying each time. I've learned and even though I still feel super lost I've got some great friends that pick me up at the side of the road and wont ever let me fall too far away..thanks guys you are awesome...