Life

That is a funny word to me right there. We always think that the life we have created came to be by our own making and our own thoughts. In a way it did, but in recent events that have happened in my life, I know am starting to realize how little truth that actually has. Yes we make our own decisions and yes we follow a path created by those but the big guy upstairs has a plan for each and every one of us no matter what path we choose. The right one or the one that leads us away for a while.

There is a quote that I love that goes as follows. "If you wanna hear the Lord laugh, tell him your plans". I really like that quote and it has been a huge part of my life in the last couple months. The reason this is all coming up is after Katie left me and the months that have followed, I have really taken a hard hit to myself, my self esteem and a lot of my abilities as a person. Not a day has gone by since she left that I haven't had a hard moment, whether it has to do with her O something else that has come along. Most of it has been with her though. She for the first time in about 3 months contacted me. I'm still not totally sure why, but it was nice and heartbreaking to get at least something from her. She seems to be doing really well. Which makes me really happy for her but at the same time kinda puts my heart in the pit of my stomach. She has found someone new in her life that holds a special place in her heart...something I never did, and I wish so badly that I could have. She has moved on and for some reason I haven't been able to do so. I still dream about her and I still wonder what life would be like with her in my life. All these questions that have popped into my brain before, have now been on my mind all the time now.

I remember when my mission in Spain was coming to a close, what my life would bring and what choices and chances I would have, and really the most exciting thing, when would I meet that special someone that I would get the chance to spend the rest of my life with. It was kinda hard focusing on the work till I spoke with my president at a meeting about how to focus and not get trunky, something I did my best to do, but it still kinda happened, and I apologize to my last companion for the last few days of my time there. I remember getting on the plain so full of joy that I was going to be soon starting a new chapter in my life, school, dating, a career were all in my future now and I was pretty stoked to get it all started. Getting off that plane was kinda sad though, because it also meant that my 2 years of bliss and serving the Lord had finally come to an end and the life that I had for 2 years that I always thought was a total dream was done. My friends that I had made were gone for the time being and one important person in my life that I had met there was also so far away. She was a wonderful woman and I was so looking forward to when she would be coming back over to the states. We had met almost 19 months before in her little branch. It was way funny. Her brother was one of my MTC teachers and showed us a picture of his family in Spain and said the day before we left maybe some of you will serve in my area, I laughed, our mission had 32 different places to serve and it didn't seem very likely. Well boy was I wrong my second area was that city and I was pretty nervous and excited to meet his family. She was the first person I met and trying to speak Spanish to her she just sat and smiled and then in a beautiful British tone she said lets practice our languages together, I'll speak English to you and you can help me and you speak Spanish to me. I felt so stupid, but I had made a new friend, one that would stick with me for a long time. We quickly became best friends and I was always looking forward to Sundays so I could spend some time with her. I guess you could say I was starting to like her, and since that was totally not allowed I had to be careful. I got transferred about 4 months later and she wasn't there to say goodbye. She and her family spent a lot of at their beach house and that's where she was when I left. I randomly stumbled on her when I was at another companionship area helping them out when we got off the train. We traded emails that night when we randomly got back on the train at the same time and we started emailing and such. She let me know that she was going to be going to Utah to finish High School and I couldn't me more happy! Mainly because we could write each other without fear of getting in trouble. You we weren't allowed to write any girl that was within our mission. We had been doing so for about 2 weeks before she let me know she was leaving and for another week after that. Not allowed, but we did it anyway...yes I know I'm horrible. So we were both pretty happy that she was leaving so we could write lol. We emailed each other every week for the next year of my mission. She would let me know about her weeks and what was going on in her life and it was just a nice addition to all my emails for the week. I would do the same, let her know how Spain was doing how the area was and what was going on with me. The emails for the first couple months were just hey this is whats going on how are you and so forth, but after about six months they got a little more personal, she would let me know her thoughts and feelings and she sent me pictures of her all the time, mine started to get more that way as well. I could tell a little basis of feelings for each other had started and we both seemed pretty happy about it. She had told me when she would be getting home and I was pretty excited but wondered how O if I would see her. At the time we were preparing for a concert that we would be putting on for the Spanish T.V. and we actually ran into each other after a rehearsal. She would be joining the choir and we would get to see each other every day. Pretty happy about that. One day when we were going to take pictures President Davis poked his head out and asked me to come and talk with him, he had found out that we liked each other and asked if that was her, I said yes and he said you know just be careful, you go home soon. I told him I would and she wouldn't let anything dumb happen. He knew that. I was pretty surprised that he didn't send me to the ends of the mission lol. We still emailed and actually saw each other a lot during the run of the rehearsals and so on, and after at charla fogeneras and other events. It kinda made me laugh cause a kid in her friends group had fallen for her a few months back and was really annoyed that she liked me. Mainly because he didn't like me at all and didn't think we would be a good couple...ok still a missionary that was the last thing we were thinking about lol. Her friends all found out and were super happy for her and it was just funny. The day before I went home we were all at temple square talking and teaching and so on. The guy that liked her kept her away from me the whole time....super annoying and I really didn't get a chance to say goodbye to her. I went to Presidents house that night to get ready to go home and so on, and I had a huge email from her, apologizing for the kid and saying she just wished she could of spent the last day I was there with me, which we both knew she couldn't but one can wish right? lol. I went home she came down a few months later and we started to date. Nothing came of it and we realized that we were trying to hard to impress each other and that being best friends was a way better idea so we stayed like that. She now has a husband and a beautiful little girl and I'm so happy for her.

Nowt that was a short version of the story and the reason I tell you that is cause I really feel like that was one of the best relationships I have really ever had. It was sincere and honest and I've really missed that. The first person I dated when I got home from my mission was a pretty incredible person. We spent 6 months figuring things out before we became a couple and we ended up dating for a little over a year and a half. Only one problem, she ended up being everything I didn't want in a wife, and here I sit a almost 27 year old whose all close friends are either married with kids O well on their way to getting married, with the closest thing to a real relationship I ever had was with a girl I never really actually dated. After my mission I let some stupid things into my life that have become some pretty strong habits that have been really hard to change o get rid of, and some have a huge grip on my life still. I have been home for almost 6 years and it kinda feels like I have been just taking steps back ever since I got off that plane. I just don't know how to change things. I've tried to design my own plan, not really realizing till Katie left me how much of a hard and stupid road that has been to take. The Lord has a plan for all of us and no matter what we do to change that it will happen, whether its the wrong path o the one that will lead us back to him.

Now this may come off as a "Oh Mont is super depressed post" but I'm actually kinda happy..yea I'm bummed that I'm still a hopeless romantic single guy, but at the same time dating Katie did a few things for me. She helped me realize a lot of things that I had been doing wrong in my life and that needed changing. A few things that may very well be keeping me from meeting that special someone in my life..She helped me to see that even though we can go through life as much as we want trying to do this journey on our own we cannot. I learned that while I was in the MTC and a really good friend of mine that I met there and I locked ourselves in a room that we had a key for, and prayed almost the whole night asking for his help to help us get through this tough time. Yea she did in the end leave me for some pretty stupid reasons and I sometimes wish I could have my memory wiped clean of any memory of her, cause it just hurts to much, I did learn a few things.

I also miss that good friend in my life that used to always be a constant companion. He was always there for me and helped me out through a lot of things. I have done some pretty dumb things in the past and he left my side.....which is probably one of the loneliest feelings I have ever felt. Yea right now in my life I feel kinda lost and not sure what to do. I live in a house with 3 other guys and we have a great time. I've got my animals my fish and geckos they are awesome and a lot of times I find myself just sitting there watching them swim o letting them crawl around and wonder what it would be like if I could just shrink myself down and jump in with them. They don't seem to have a care in the world, just what time is dinner and that's about it. I bought a new T.V. to put in my room so I could watch movies when the whole outside world kinda seems to be moving on without me and for right now it has been calming me down. I feel like I'm trying my hardest to get back in line right now, so I can be ready to met that special person, to cross paths with her, if I haven't already and start following the Lords plan for me to the best of my ability. I miss Katie a lot and I know some people wonder why. She treated me like crap and basically got what she wanted and threw me aside and didn't look back once...took a piece of my heart and never really gave me any of hers, but the times that we did have together that weren't me wondering what the heck was going on, o if I had done something wrong, were really great, one of my favorite times with her was the night we spent up in Salt Lake watching Lion King and enjoying a really romantic night of dinner and a show. She will always have a piece of my heart and but the last couple days I have felt more at piece and ready to try my hardest to move on. Meet new people and hopefully get back on the path that will lead me to my end goal. Well here goes nothing....................................