AHHHHHHHHHH

So it has been a while since I have blogged........mainly because only one thing has been on my mind for a really long time, and sorry to those of you who read this if anyone really does, but here comes another one of those depressing blogs.....really because nothing right now is bringing me out of whatever slump of crap that I fell into......

I thought I was finally getting over the whole Katie thing, I thought I was finally in a place where I could step out into the dating world again and once more start the stupid process and games that everyone here plays....Well Saturday proved me once again that I was completely wrong...Don't get me wrong it really was a fun day, but in the end I went to bed feeling more alone then I ever had before....

The plan for the day, well there wasn't much of a plan, just ideas that needed to be thought out and timed...I woke up about ten minutes before I got a call from my buddy Kirk letting me know what time we were going to be heading up to his brothers rugby game to watch them play. So I showered got ready and headed over to his house. Upon getting there we realized that we would be paying to get into the game due to BYU playing UTAH right after the United game..So we decided rather then just spend the money to only watch about half of the game, that we would just go to the Lone Peak State championship game. We showed up a few minutes late but found Tay, karly, and Jenessa and watched the game. The game actually went really well and we won! It was a way fun game to watch and was really close until LP pulled away and tore down American Fork. I love rival games. I remember back in High School when I was playing football, that when we played AF we had to be escorted on the field by police because of the rivalry. Which I always thought was funny cause we were pretty good friends with the players from AF. Anyways, after the game we headed over to Subway for some lunch and then headed over to Utah State to drop off Jenessa for her practice before the concert that night. Kirk and I went home and called Ronnie so we could figure out a time to head back up to Salt Lake for the night. We were going up to see Cami and Jenessas dance concert, then take them to dinner. Were dinner was gonna be we had no idea lol.

So we headed up to Salt Lake got to the concert, sat down and started to watch. The girls are in Modern Dance. It's a style of dance that I have never understood and always not liked and my thoughts and ideals didn't change that night either lol...Ones of the dances actually kinda scared me it was so weird.....But props to the girls for doing something that they love to do..The last dance while it was weird was actually pretty cool. I enjoyed it a little. We took off and were driving around trying to figure out a place to eat, because rather then have that already planned out, like who does that anyway...lol jk we went by the seat of our pants! I mentioned a few places cause when I was dating Katie we went up to Salt Lake quite often together. We ended up deciding to go to Benihanas. That place is one of my favorites, but for some reason when we stepped through the door so many memories rushed back into my brain and my heart just sank.....We were taken right to our seats and started dinner. The night just seemed to get worse for me from there on. We were put in the same table/grill that me and Katie had our anniversary dinner at when I took her to see the Lion King at the capital theater. We were right across from the table we had our last date at before she left me, and we got the same Hibachi chief that we had for that date as well. He is a hilarious guy and I loved having him, but the night was exactly like the date that I had with Katie, that I thought was a wonderful night, while all the while she was planning on leaving me soon.

We sat with another couple that was celebrating their 5th anniversary of being a couple and they were a blast, but as the night went on and I sat around watching all the happy couples, o dates at our table I just got really down and out. I tried to do my best to seem happy and all, but I wasn't fooling anyone. Cami asked me if I was ok, and I tried to put on a smile and say "yea I'm doing great" when really I just wanted to run out the door and not look back. Dinner showed up and Jenessa asked me the same thing. I gave her the same answer. After a little while later I could see Kirk and Cami looking over at me talking saying I looked sad, so once again I tried to put on a happy face. I ate my dinner but spent the rest of the night at dinner just calm and quiet....I didn't really feel up to anything and they could tell...And that is when I kinda almost lost it. I excused myself to the bathroom and just sat there looking in the mirror holding onto the sink, trying to hold back tears that I knew wanted to come out...I looked at myself in the mirror and just tried to figure out why someone who treated me so poorly during our relationship had such a huge hold on me still almost 3 months after she left me...I gained my composer went back outside and tried to put on my happy face, but that night it just wasn't gonna happen. We ended the night with a drive around the town(something Katie and I always did) and then went home....I read my scriptures, laid down and yes I cried myself to sleep. Yea I'm a big baby so what? The last couple days since then have just been hard on me...I don't know why, but I just feel like everyone is moving ahead with their lives and just leaving me in the dust and I don't really know how to catch up at this point..I'm trying to figure it all out but its been hard.

I've been trying to figure out why after 3 months do I still hurt so much over someone that treated me so badly? Someone who literally 2 days after she left me was in the arms of another guy? Someone who obviously by her actions didn't give a crap about me o the last 9 months...they were just a fun ride for her and she didn't care what she did or who she hurt along the way....Why do I still miss her when I can almost guarantee that she doesn't miss me at all? I wonder why I think about her almost every day, and why I do when I'm sure I don't ever pass through her mind, and there I answer my own question...It hurts so much because of the fact that I know that within about 2 days she completely shut me and the last 9 months out of her mind, her life, and anything else that had to do with me. She moved on to the next best thing, because she never did care at all....I think that is why it has stuck with me for so long..the fact that I put my heart and soul into this thing with her and she just cruised on through..I know her friends if they still read my blog are gonna be angry and totally disagree, but like I've said before you guys were never there..mainly because you didn't do anything to change the lies that were coming out of her mouth. You just went along with it. You sat back and watched when you full well knew what she was doing and just let it happen. So go ahead be angry, go run to her and tell her how horrible of a person I was and how bad I still am. I don't really care. You never took the time to get to know me or both sides of the story.

To everyone else that may read this now o in the future if anyone ever still does lol. I'm not some hugely depressed person expressing my doubts on dating and life...I have just been handed a deck of cards that I need to still learn from, and to do so I need to go through some hardships to get there. For some reason so many people out there think that oh because he is writing about how hard he has had it I can't ever be his friend o go out with him. He is so full of drama...well I do, do drama so thanks I'll take that as a compliment lol maybe taking some time to get to know me will be better then looking at the cover and assuming you know everything about me. Because really I have so much to offer. Just no one has ever taken the time to peel off the layers that are there just waiting to be plucked. So here we go, back into a world full of heartbreak and games that just get more and more annoying each time. I've learned and even though I still feel super lost I've got some great friends that pick me up at the side of the road and wont ever let me fall too far away..thanks guys you are awesome...